Cafe Nouveau

This needs to be shared.

So, every morning, I drop my little boy off at daycare. After that, I head towards work. On the way, I stop at the same 7-11 almost every morning to get a cup of coffee. On this particular morning, I stood there at their coffee bar, re-filling the massive 7-11 travel cup that lives in my car. As I doctored my drink, a tall man swaggered up to me. He had on a real-tree camo shirt, dungarees, and a battered trucker hat.

"Mornin, slim!"

I don't get called "slim" so often that I don't take note of it.

I am often "sir," slightly less often "dude," and on extremely rare occasions, I am "bro-ham," but I am almost never "slim".

It isn't because I sport a vast paunch... people just don't say that anymore! I don't believe I've heard that term anywhere outside of the 1970's and Westerns. And even then, it is used sparingly.

The man joyfully went about the ritual of pouring his own massive cup of 7-11 coffee. He had this youthful exuberance to him, as if he was bopping and bouncing with every gesture. He paused and looked at me meaningfully. He leaned in like a conspirator, and I smelled the menthol on his breath.

"I call this the 'turbo whoop-ass'," he said.

With that, the man did an about face towards the soda fountain and, my hand on my heart and my voice to freaking god, poured Mountain Dew into his coffee.

Now, I am a trial attorney. I'm no stranger to stressful situations and long nights. I've been sleep deprived. I've been dog-ass tired. Have law degree, litigate readily, if you will.

But never once in my life have I been so tired that I even contemplated the "turbo whoop-ass".

I called the wife.

"Honey, you ever tired a 'turbo whoop-ass'?"

"Patrick Songy, there's not enough wine--"

"It's a coffee thing!"

"Oh. What is it?"

I told her.

"That's disgusting!"

"But you're imagining what it tastes like, aren't you?"

A long, meaningful pause.

"Yes," she said, "but I'm not going to do it."

Another pause. I could actually envision her making the "Pat is thinking about doing something crazy and I disapprove" face over the phone. Yes, I can actually envision this face. In fact, I could probably sketch it left-handed, and I'm a righty.

"You better not do it either!"

Maybe I should?

Suffice to say, that bizarre encounter made my day.